Last Chemo Treatment: Today I watched my father breathe. He was asleep so peacefully. As of late, the chemo treatments and deterioration of his mind, body and spirit has made him very edgy. If you know Pops, than you know that what Pops says, goes. For a man of little stature he sure is intimidating. Even now as he stands at 5'7 and weighing 135 pounds, his word is law and his tone is firm. His principals, morals and values are the same. His political affiliation still faithful to the conservative philosophy that if you work hard for what you have, pay your bills and taxes, take no handouts just breathe and work hard some more than everything will be okay. He is set in his ways, and thats okay with me. We all have our own destiny to fulfill. I love it when he laughs. Most of the time, it only comes from the joys he feels when he makes a roomful of friends burst out in hoots and hollers from him telling one of his classic jokes and anecdotes. He sure could work a room. He's smart too. Never surpassing the 4th grade but he can still run circles around most people mathematically, statistically, philosophically and politically. He is well versed in sports and history. He has the keen ability to handle accounting without the use of a pen or a pad. And when it comes to the New England Patriots or the Boston Celtics, don't let his accent fool you. He knows more than most college graduate sports analysts and he never has and never will own a laptop. I admire his courage. I admire his persistence. I admire his will to survive. He looks a lot different than he did in November but he is still the same. There are a few things that have changed. He now realizes how many lives he has impacted. He recognizes the mistakes he has made in life. He appreciates the little things and he says I love you to the people he loves. I hope he has forgiven himself for the mistakes. He is a very prideful Lion. I see a lot of him in me. I feel a lot different than I did in November but I'm still the same. I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. I still have lots of mistakes to make but watching my father sleep and breathe helps me to realize that making mistakes is a good thing. Its how we learn to grow. I just hope I forgive myself. I know he is in lots of pain with each breath but still he inhales deeply and exhales peacefully. Today, I watched my father breathe. Without saying a word, it was the best lesson he ever taught me.

Everything's Gonna Be Alright: I was sitting by his bedside. His breathing was different tonight, almost as if he was chasing his breath and once he caught up to it, he would inhale as much as he could... then he would start chasing again. It seemed as if his pain had gone away, or maybe he had just become used to it. He woke up very thirsty. His once powerful hands could barely grasp the tall glass of water as he pleaded with me to let him hold it himself. I helped him take 4 huge gulps of water then he laid back down in his bed. His eyes opened from time to time allowing me to see the pain they've tried to hide over the past few months. His once forceful roar had now become a faint whisper as he said to me, "everything's gonna be alright". I went and called mom from the other room. I laid on the couch and watched as she sat by her husband of 36 years and watched him chase his breath. She was so attentive, yet so distraught. She held his hand and stared at his face. I find it strange how I can remain so calm in such a dramatic situation but then I heard the whisper once again, "everything's gonna be alright".

Just Like That: He's stopped responding to my call. Each breathe is like a startle. Over the past few hours I've sang him songs, read him psalms and whispered in his ear that its okay to stop fighting. I don't want to watch him suffering so much. He has lived the past 10 months in pain. From a severe back surgery to stage 4 pancreatic cancer just like that. A man who's never been sick in his life, never spent a day in the hospital... spent 10 months living in pain. I watch him gasp for breathe with the assistance of an oxygen machine that I'm sure is more noisy than effective in pops case. I love my father. He has always been so supportive of everything I do. I want to support him too. I want to urge him to keep fighting but I really want him to be at peace. I hope he has found the love in his heart to forgive himself. I hope he has found piece of mind and has realized that God has a plan for him, a plan for us, a plan for all. God bless you pops. You are and always were... the best.

Cried Three Times: He was struggling to breathe... he would alert us from time to time with a brief grunt. I could tell he was in lots of pain. He actually tried to say something at one point in time... he would gently squeeze my hand with the little force he had left to acknowledge that he was listening. Im glad he heard everything I said. It looked like his face changed over the past hour or so. He looks much younger than he did 20 minutes ago. His skin so soft and his hands were so warm. I swear I held his left hand for hours. Mom sits by his side crying. I keep consoling her and pulling her out of her brief states of depression. Its hard not to be sad in this situation. Ive cried 3 times so far tonight. Each time I fought back tears like my father is fighting for each breathe. Each time I convinced myself to be strong for the family... each family member that walks into the room instantly sparks fun memories Ive had with my dad. I want to be strong but I cant help but to want to cry like a baby.

He Is All Heart: He is still fighting for his life. His face has changed about 3 times. His breathing has become a loud gargling since he has no strength to swallow the saliva that builds up in his mouth. He has opened his eyes a few times and looked at me, still no words. There were a couple times through the heavy breathing and his now very faint voice, that I thought I heard him say "I don't want to die". He is still fighting while I type. He refuses to stop trying. He is all heart. His stomach has been swelling by the minute. I can actually tell the difference in size between now and 10 minutes ago. I think its his liver. Although he is just laying there, his heart rate is like he's been running on a treadmill for an hour. Oxygen tube in his nose, friends and family sleeping all throughout the house, and I lay awake watching him breathe.

Will To Fight on: I just got off the phone with my sister. Today is her birthday. She just turned 36 years old. My parents have been married for 36 years. It must be a difficult situation for both of them. I still sit here by my fathers bedside. Im absolutely amazed at his will to fight on. He has lost control of most of his functioning. His belly has swelled up substantially over the past few hours. Im not sure what it is, but its hard and it looks very painful. He keeps sweating like crazy. His hands are hot and clammy. I keep wiping him down and wondering to myself, what should I do?

When I turn around I dont see the past I see the now And understand that life is beatuiful Take a look around Even in the midst of tragedys is sad to see But if youre breathin be Happy youre around At worst im boderline depressed It hurts to watch my momma stressed and see Her tears fallin down I listen to her cry her self to sleep It feels like I can barely breathe Cuz I cant stand that sound Dont worry Ill hold you down When I turn around Im often greeted by a frown It seems the people in my town are Somehow always down But I refuse to join the rest I must aleviate the stress an keep Livin in the now Cuz nothin could compare to 3/30/2010 Thats the day I put Papa underground Hes up there In the clouds Im laughin loud tears of a clown Who thought marriage was a sport and now my Wife is not around I turn to my homie for support and say Im gettin divorsed how do I Say that to my child The truths the only thing to say Daddy wasnt happy love so we Had to get away But baby Im here to stay Fast, i get dizzy for a second then i start The recollection of thoughts and My aggression of force was an expression Im lost in misdirection my course Was thrown off by involuntary obsession Im still comin to grips with my Jaded self perception for years i was Tormented and teased for my complexion I eased into these lessons like please I need a best friend to releive me Of this stressin then the worst news ever Turned into to the best blessin My daughters mother was pregnant I lifted off the depression And started workin the 3rd shift grind And bookin sessions to free my mind Like weapon that shoots in every direction When I turn around I dont wanna kill i wanna love I wanna live forever happy And give my daughter a hug Cuz a hugs felt by both the giver and the getter And i promise poppa ima keep it cool In any weather momma didnt raise a fool Now my life is getting better Had to make a lot of changes In the toughest time ever But im tough as nine inch nails Tougher than leather And not afraid to tell my life story To whoever wanna hear it Im surrounded by the spirits Of pai and poppa you see it and Hear it in my sound And now its time to get around Go out and share it with the world and let Nothing hold me down This time i wont Let you down When i turn around... Everlasting Peace: He is now surrounded by his wife, his brother, his sister, his best friends, his nephews and nieces, his friends and hospice nurse... and me. Everyone in the room is pleading with him to let go but he continues to fight the cancer. The nurse couldn't even get a blood pressure reading but his heart keeps pumping. I think we are all tired of watching him suffer. We have thrown away our selfish hunger to keep him with us and replaced it with our longing to see him receive everlasting peace.

March 27th: I guess its been 3 nights now since I've had a solid nights sleep. I can hear the pain in every loud breath. I cant even describe the sound. Tonight has been the toughest night I have ever encountered. Ive pleaded with him, with his ancestors and with Jesus to give him some peace but still he fights. Its the most courageous thing I have ever witnessed in my life. Fatima, the nurse still cant find a blood pressure reading, the oxygen machine is providing him the air he is viciously sucking into his system. I just want him to be at peace. I want him to rest his tired body and mind. He has fought off pain since June. Its March 27th, my niece Kenna's birthday. Kenna is his first born grandchild. He loves his grandkids more than anything and they love them some Papa.

3:33: I lost my best friend to Cancer. Tears fall down.